Oh, god, this is hard. Okay. When I workshop a story I have to look for the good and bad when I write my critique. Good followed by bad, bad followed by good, there has to be a balance. But when someone expects you to pay money for a story written with the same care and expertise as a twelve year old who writes Inyuasha yaoi, the game changes. It's not about helping a writer improve anymore, but helping you make a wise choice about where to spend your money. This morning I read the free 3 chapter preview of Incubus Master by Yamilia Abraham. The story opens in the midst of a battle, I think. I'm not really sure. Nothing's really clear. All you know is something is happening. This is one of the major flaws of Incubus, the author takes for granted her audience is familiar with the subject matter. I most certainly am unaware as to what a Succubus or Incubus is and I'm sure I'm not alone in this lack of knowledge. It is the author's responsibility to find a creative way to weave a description into the narrative, but that's another thing Incubus has little of: description. This is all forgivable in the land of fanfiction where the audience already knows what the world of Gurren Lagann looks like or a batarang is a weapon and not just some funny sounding word. But when a author chooses to forgo much needed detailing the writing comes off lazy.
So, yes, there's this thing going on and Jinady, our protagonist, is swept up by a demon. End scene. In the next scene we learn he has been held captive and used as a sex slave by the demons in a cave high in the mountains. We are made aware Jinady is a pretty, pretty man before we're plunged into a long sex scene with an incubus. If the focal point of a story is sex you better have the skills to write one good sex scene. Sadly this is another of Incubus' shortcomings. Although, for once there is detail, the description is very cut and dry. Insert slot A into slot B. What really spoiled the sex for me is how the gasps and moans were written into dialogue. Instead of being sexy it has the opposite affect and makes the scene more comical. Come on, think of any bad!fic you read in the past and I bet you can remember the "oooohs", and "ahhhhhs". You got a smile on your face right now, don't you. Because it was funny! It's funny because it's unnecessary.
As an English major, the over use of the word that in this piece kills me dead. Also the back and forth between present and past tense doesn't help the flow of this already choppy work. Even if a reader is able to overlook such breaches of the rules of writing, the absence of detail will undoubtedly turn them off. Which leaves me to question blogs such as Kuriousity which reviewed this and didn't find many, if any flaws. What I want to know is if the site owner would go out of her way to purchase these chapters if she wasn't receiving free digital copies. I doubt it. Because if she wanted to read bad writing there's this site called fanfiction.net where she could get her fill for free.
What saddens me more than the bad writing is after chapter 2 of Incubus Master there are the glimmerings of a great idea that could have flourished if written by a more skilled writer. Or, perhaps, if she just had someone edit the story. Even a couple of proof readers. Any help would have been beneficial. Incubus Master does not read like a finished work. It's a first draft in need of extensive reconstructive surgery.
This mini review is on the first 3 chapters. Maybe I've piqued you're interest and you want to check it out yourself. But I cannot recommend anyone pay for this in good conscious. I advise you guys to put your money to better use and treat yourselves to a coke or a candy bar instead.
