So I found this video on youtube and boy did it bring back some memories. Basically the video is girl confessing how she's a Christian and she *gaspity* likes yaoi. I know, in my case, it was something I really struggled with when I was a teenager. I’ve been reading yaoi fanfics and doujinshi since I was about thirteen. As I stated in a previous entry the only people I was open about it with were my two sisters. And just like the girl in the video who had to get doom and gloom from her friends I received the same talk from them. Constantly. Fire and brimstone and gnashing of teeth and all that fun stuff.
Did their scare tactics work? You better believe it. I would go for months without reading yaoi and BL but then relapse like an alcoholic. At certain points I had my sister trash my BL collection. Seriously. My Japanese Gravitation manga, my knockoff gravitation dvds, Menkui!, Bokura no Okuku, and I could go on and on, they all went in the dumpster. Gone. I had my sister toss ‘em because I couldn’t do it. I was quite obviously, a weak Christian. But why would I have her do something so wasteful? Why not sell the manga (which I wanted to do)? I can’t remember specifically, but I know there is a certain passage in the bible that had a group of people burning unholy books. It was better to burn the books then to spend an eternity in hell, I guess. And also, it was better to just dump ‘em because if I sold them I would be spreading temptation to others and that was just as wrong as reading the yaoi myself.
So, how did I rationalize my attraction to this material? I would tell my sisters I read it for the story, not the sex. Oh, wow. Really. How could anybody believe that? Especially when I read things like Under Grand Hotel. The thing is, they didn’t know I was reading such graphic material, so I could trick ’em. But how did I rationalize it to myself? At first I told myself I would eventually grow out of it. But as I neared my 20’s it was quite obvious it wasn’t going anywhere. So, next I turned to the bible and nowhere in it will you find Peter, Paul, Matthew, John, Mary, Job, or your mom ever say anything about how wrong it was for two male cartoon characters to engage in hot sex. So I had an out! I was free to read and watch as much as I wanted and have no fear of burning eternally! Right? Right? Wrong. The problem is I knew I was BSing and my sisters knew I was BSing and that just made it worse.
What turned everything around for me is when I said screw it and just opened up about it. I told my mom, my brothers, my friends, anybody and everybody who would let me ramble about it. I don’t want to sound cliché or corny but really and truly, accepting that part of me helped me let go of a lot of agony I put myself through. During my last years as a Christian, yaoi wasn’t a issue anymore. I accepted it and the people who filled my life accepted it. And boy what a relief it was to be as open about liking it as I was about liking something such as Final Fantasy VI (the best final fantasy EVER).
So, yes, it is possible to like yaoi and be a Christian and not have to feel guilty about it. I know in some family’s you can’t tell your mom, dad or your friends without severe repercussions, but as long as you’re okay with it, it’s not really necessary to tell anyone else. Life is too short, so if reading yaoi makes you happy, keep on keepin’ on.
yep, I had the same conflicts when I was a teen and I found myself liking yaoi. I eventually rationalized that I liked fictional homosexuality but not real homosexuality, or something like that, because it was fictional. And then I would go months without reading it or writing it, and then I'd relapse and go right back into it. It was a horrible addiction for me. Even when my mom found my slash stories that I'd written (awesome stories, but she only read the saucy part of them) and slayed me alive, I still liked yaoi. Like I had already given up on writing slash stories and so when she found it I forgot that I had those stories and cried when she burned them, but didn't regret that she'd done it per say. But... after that, I just accepted, okay, I like two boys together. There it is. And it was much better then.
ReplyDeleteLater, when I researched the discussion on homosexuality, one on the side of Christians against it and the other on the side of Christians for it, I also saw that the debate isn't as clear cut as it seems. Translations can be very murky... [even in the Bible] Especially in the cases where it clearly says 'homosexuals' and there was no concept/word for homosexuals before the 20th century.
Oh geez, you don't know how much this helped me. I have been struggling with my yaoi addiction for years, and I've been feeling horrible about it. I have been scared about God's punishment, and I was afraid of Him, even though I knew he loved me and forgave me. I pprayed to Him before I looked at this site, telling him to lett me know whether or not what I was doing was wrong, and this has just lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. thank you so soo much for posting this. Thank you! I have the whole relapse thing, too, and hopefully my guilt will clear now. I need to trust that God has led me here, and that He is content with who I am.
ReplyDeleteThank goodness I am not the only one! I am a person who has always believed in God and Jesus, but I didn't really begin to get into Christinity until now. I can not bring myself to condemn homosexuals or even pre-marital sex, I know it says they are both sins in the bible, but I can't help this is the way I feel. I also do indeed like yaoi pairings. I am guilty of looking at fan-art, fan-fiction and fan-videos for shounin-ai pairings. So then, is there really no need to worry about going to hell for this? I hope so!
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